It’s been a stressful few weeks here in Spain, having to once again deal with the fall out from yet another scandal at OXSCAM. There’s been many times, I’ve just wanted to throw a brick at the television set, as my blood pressure has reached boiling point. Just as I thought it couldn’t get any worse, a letter dropped through my mail box this morning. I instantly knew this envelope spelt trouble. It was addressed in pink, scrawly words, pointing downwards. There were indistinguishable marks and blemishes all over the white self seal envelope. Just to the left of the stamp, there was a black cigarette burn hole. As I held it up to the sun, I could see right through. Somebody had been smoking, whilst writing this correspondence. On the reverse there was a large red stain in the bottom corner; it looked like tomato sauce, raspberry jam or worse, I really couldn’t be sure. I pressed it against my nose; a faint whiff of rum, woodbines and cheap nail polish punctuated the air. This was no ordinary note, this was a Verruca Almond note; the words of anxiety written in haste; tension in the air!
It’s V; I’m in a bit of a bind; troubles a brewing at OXSCAM House and it has my name all over it. I don’t mind tellin ya, I’m in a bit of a mess lovey. The rozzers are pokin arand looking for evidence. Not sure what they exactly want, but they are combing through the lot; paperwork, call logs; even my cheap knock off Versace bag. I arrived early yesterday, just before the Misappropriation of Funds Department opened. The head of HR had tipped me off; there was going to be a raid. I needed to get there before them, just to tidy up me desk and stuff, but I was too late. Some large butch lesbian police officer had already gained entry and was fingering her way through me filing cabinet.
Of course, I had no idea what to do, I just had to get her out of the office. I had fings of a personal nature, that I had to remove, fings that they couldn’t see. There was no way I woz goin inside again.
You remember the trophy I won for Manager of the Year, for diverting funds to the less needy; the golden charity box? Well it was just sat there on me desk, next to the silver serrated penknife I used for opening me mail, so I just grabbed it, knocking the knife to the floor. The noise it made was deafening and the bloody WPC looked rand, facing me square between the eyes. Quickly I hid the box behind me back, gripping it tightly with both hands and carefully walked over to her, all sweet and innocent like; just like Mary Poppins….Remember you used to call me that lovey?
Smiling sweetly, I asked if I could help her with her pokin arand me draws like. She didn’t say a bloody word, shaking her head turning rand, carrying on with her meddling like. Well you know me lovey, I can’t stand being ignored; I just lost it, smacking her rand the ead with me trophy. I panicked, I didn’t know what I was doin….NO ONE TOUCHES ME DRAWS; you know that right?
She went dan like a tonne a brix, smacking her ead on the corner of the cabinet. Now you know how sharp that corner is, I was forever cuttin myself on it. It totally gashed her forehead, blood spurting out all over that new carpet, all those donations paid for. Awight, that made me even more angry and I hit her again and again with the golden charity box. ‘Don’t bloody bleed on my bloody new carpet,’ I shouted. It just came out me mouth; she had really hacked me off like.
Not a sound, she was still and motionless. I gave her one last kick with me pointy witches boots, as you used to call them; there was nofink, not even a murmer. ‘See no one touches me draws; look what you made me do; it’s ya own fault!’ I must ave sounded deranged, talking to a corpse on the floor; well I fink she was dead anyway. Luckily it was eight in the mornin and no one else was in, so did me best to clear up the evidence and get out as fast as I could, leaving her, lying by the cabinet….Well she deserved it!
Here’s the thing lovey, I need to lie low for a bit. I’ve taken some garden leave, while the police investigate what happened and all the other crap at OXSCAM House. So far they don’t fink it was me. I turned up at 10am, all refreshed, dressed head to toe in Lara Ashley, all innocent like. I was told of the attack and put on a bloody good show; shock horror, why oh why, how could someone….you know the sort of fing. After an interview with CID; (he woz gorgeous by the way, you would ave loved im,) I was allowed to leave, distressed, alone, shaking, all part ov the act!
They’ve given me leave for a bit, so I thought I’d pop over and see ya; it’s been a long time right! I have tried phoning, but ya been outta range. I ope that’s OK lovey?
Sees ya soon
Well I wasn’t expecting that. I knew OXSCAM was in a mess, but Verruca had just murdered someone. Oh I knew she was wayward and unhinged, but even I didn’t think she was capable of murder. The last thing I want is her making waves in Spain. OK, she was my friend, but what else could I do. I’ve just got off the phone with the police, who are on the case. I am not in the habit of protecting killers and believe she has to be stopped. OXSCAM has a lot to answer for; Verruca is just the tip of a wobbly iceberg that is about to collapse and I for one can’t wait.
I know this wont be the last I hear of Verruca; she’s a crafty one. Ever since I have known her, she has managed to get out of every situation she has put herself in. Whether it has been a combination of good luck or OXSCAM protecting their reputation, I just don’t know; whatever it is, I hope she finally gets the help she needs. We did have some great times, her and me; she taught me much about life and surviving in a harsh World. Verruca also had a soft, sensitive side and would do anything for those she loved. Her biggest downfall was her childhood, unloved and uncared for. She has a vendetta against everyone, because of what she went through as a young girl. Verruca Almond will always be a big part of my life, because of the experiences we shared; without her I would not be here today. She was most definitely the carer who cared too much!
Until next time Verruca!
I first started writing about Verruca Almond, in my fist blog Bipolarcoaster. Verruca was a parody of my then boss Vera Lynham; the woman responsible for bullying, harassment, homophobia, lies and attacks against myself, my partner and other good members of staff. I created Verruca as a tool to offload my frustration and anger at the time and it worked.