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"Verruca has been sent to me, like a Fairy Godmother, to help me get through the hard times. A carer, jailer, confidante, personal shopper and teacher of wise and wonderful things!"

Verruca on Romance!

2/8/2015

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'romance is for the weak!'

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This Sunday, Verruca arrived a little later than usual; apparently she had locked herself out of her flat in the early hours. On Saturday night she had picked up a guy, who she had met on a dating site;  It is important to always use ones own photographs on sites like that, beauty setting is acceptable, though, when you are as glamorous as she, it isn't necessary!

To be honest Verruca could throw on a bin bag, and still look a like a crisp £20.00 note. Disheveled and a little warn, she was  oozing sexual prowess. There was something different about her; she was a bit Sassy, a little Minx like. Admittedly, she had forgotten her NHS tabard, so was wearing her normal clothes, but, there was something more than that. She was indeed my carer by day, but I had a feeling, by night, there was another side of Verruca, I knew nothing about!

As a Middle aged spinster, Verruca is a wealth of knowledge; she has been around a bit in her time.  As a carer, she is NHS through and through; she knows how the system works and her twenty minutes of care, on each visit is invaluable to people like me, who's only link to the outside World is a laptop and copy of Take a Break.


Bed bath, medication and dinner made, Verruca and I sat down for our usual ten minute chat. Quickly talk moved on to the subject  of romance; not sure why, I suppose the lack of uniform and her date the previous day, triggered thoughts of love, romance and relationships.  As it turns out Verruca's opinion of matters of the heart, were a little different to I had imagined.


'I've never been romantic.  Romance is for losers.  Only the weak buy flowers'.

There, that told me! 

Ms Almond was living life to the full; let down by man after man, she had become the author of her own destiny;  Seen dancing the nights away in many of Southampton's, less than perfect nightclubs, dressed to impress.  One night stands, a quickie here and there, bin sex and an imagination running wild!

As I looked at her, I felt sorry for the woman she had become.  Why had Verruca turned into this bitter person? What had turned her against love? After all she had so much to offer and give others. So I asked her the question, I asked her why?  What had turned her against the love of another?

It turns out that she had dedicated her life to her career.  She spent a period, pretending to herself and others, that she had a partner, even going into local shops, buying underwear and other manly items.  It sounded a bit 'Miss Havisham', to me.  I had visions of her sat there in a torn, ripped up Wedding dress, crying gently into a garter given to her, by someone close no longer with us.

'I have a career, a mission in life, a goal to achieve.  Long ago, I fixated on the finality of another; Someone weak;  Much weaker that I and someone who was a threat to me. NOBODY gets the better of me now,  I am the finest carer, the World has ever known. NO ONE will ever take that away!' 

For a moment, just a moment, I thought I saw a tear well up in Miss Almonds eye.  It was so brief, I could have been very much mistaken.  Something had clearly happened to Verruca in the past and she had been terribly damaged from it.

Gently. I placed my hand upon hers, reassurance, everything would be OK.  Quickly, without a thought, she took her hand away; her eyes were like fire.  I literally thought she was going to kill me.   Then in an instant, there was calm; a wry smile, pursed her lips!

'Don't ever touch me again; don't pretend to know me, you don't.  I am the carer, you are the cared for; that is where it ends!'

Blimey, she was as mad as hell.  A bit later I peeped around, the door, while she was making my Eggs Benedict, to my horror, I saw her spit on the food, throw her head back and laugh uncontrollably in silence.  Her past was catching up with her and she was a melting pot of anger; in a strange way, it made me feel a little bit turned on.  We were getting closer and closer and there was nothing I could do about it! 



SHE WAS BLOODY MARVELLOUS, WHEN SHE WAS ANGRY.  SHE SENT TINGLES UP MY SPINE!

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Verruca Almond!

20/7/2015

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Let me introduce you to Verruca Almond;  Ms Almond as she prefers! Verruca has been sent to me, like a Fairy Godmother, to help me get through the hard times. A carer, jailer, confidante, personal shopper and teacher of wise and wonderful things;  things I never knew; small tips to get me through each struggling day and planner of futures; at the moment my future. Who know's it could be yours next!

Finally The NHS has recognised the seriousness of my situation.  In their wisdom, they have sent me someone with vision, experience and a person who can recognise Bipolar in all its forms.

This weekend Verruca taught me how to lick knives successfully; she caught me running a blade along my lips on Saturday night. Horrified, she showed me the way to do it safely, with most impact.  A moistened knife can be a godsend in many survival scenarios.  For everyday kitchen use, a lubed up utensil will always make light work, of even the hardest task; cutting meat from the bone, is done with ease.  I was a little more concerned with the psychotic way, she sliced her way through, but understood she had a past, so accepted her odd ways.  To be honest, as this is a 'Truthful' blog, I even got a little excited!

Verruca is taking me for a walk around town next week. Her tips for such an extensive expedition are things we should all know when we set off to the local shop on the corner.  Rehydration is a must;  if one falls in a Biffa bin, when hiding from the Police, alcoholic beverage, or otherwise is essential.  It will get one through the night and could even save your life!

Her breast storage/cocktail cabinet was genius.  Like Verruca, I often fall over, flat on my face in a ditch or gutter; it isn't unusual!  

'A bottle in the bra, saves embarrassment and scar.'

A little ditty, I'll remember in future; almost poetic.  Said with aggressive, chav like tones, to get the message across.

I admired her fashion sense; yes, designer, stunning and beautiful, but also practical and hardy.  A towel round the waist to protect her dignity, offers easy access to Paramedics, during those low points in ones life and a blankey to protect naked revelers who fall down drains or collapse in doorways on a Saturday night.  One should always take them to a 'SAFE' place, normally her house, the room next to the toilet, second door on the right.

Her dark glasses should help with migraine and reduce others pain when looking at her sad 'I want to kill you' eyes.  Detection also becomes harder and thus saves even the worst murderers reputation, when Crimewatch hits the screens!

Finally, her fine ginger locks; useful storage of sharp items, used to protect a Lady alone at night. Importantly she told me how it had saved her life.  At her lowest point, she, like me decided to take her own life.  She stood by Northam Bridge, leant over, and jumped; as a point of interest, wear knickers, it will save embarrassment when The Daily Echo prints its salacious story.  Anyway she fell forwards, regretted her actions immediately, luckily getting her locks wound round the railings on top of the bridge. She hung there for days, eventually cut down by a clipper, but thanked the Lord, for her safe return,

So this is Verruca.  Everyone should have one.  In her case, most already have!


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    Author

    Luke Martin-Jones

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    I first started writing about Verruca Almond, in my fist blog Bipolarcoaster. Verruca was a parody of my then boss Vera Lynham; the woman responsible for bullying, harassment, homophobia, lies and attacks against myself, my partner and other good members of staff. I created Verruca as a tool to offload my frustration and anger at the time and it worked.
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  • Blog
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    • Forever Enduring Cycles Blog 2015 >
      • Forever Enduring Cycles
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      • Books For Sale
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