Reflection!

As we approach the end of the year I always find that it is a good time to reflect on what I have achieved and what I want to achieve in the forthcoming year.

I have had to do a lot of soul searching this year and there have been some really tough moments. There have been times when I have felt that I was not good enough in certain situations or where I have been really hard on myself, beaten myself up over things, and dragged myself down quite a bit.

I hit a downward spiral this year and it hit me really hard. I think it was the culmination of a few tough years and suddenly I became overwhelmed with things and events. I think it has made me a stronger person but not always a better person though. I still feel that I let people down at times and also let myself down.

There are times when I seem unapproachable and ‘prickly’ though I do not intend to be that way. I’ve thought about this over the last few weeks and I think it is because I have a habit of putting the barriers up as I try and figure out how I am feeling about things. When I do this I have a habit of completely shutting people out and that is not always a good thing.

A couple of months ago I was on the verge of moving away and starting again somewhere else – I don’t think that it would have changed much though. Same issues, different location.

Quite a few people told me I was making the wrong decision and I can see that now.
I have lived in Portsmouth since last August and have made some really good friends down here – they know who they are and I appreciate them being part of my life and my world.

I’m looking forward to 2019. I’m not placing any expectations on myself or what the year will bring. Instead I am seeing it as a totally blank page and I am determined to fill that blank page with achievements that I will be proud of and finish the year feeling I couldn’t have given any more.

I achieve my best when I am pushing myself well outside of my comfort zone and I am determined to push myself a lot in 2019.

It isn’t just about running the ultra in August. Although that is really important it is just one goal I have next year and is an important part of the overall journey.

I need to challenge myself professionally and push my career onwards. I enjoy my job and I am good at what I do but I need to progress in order to grow.

I need to challenge myself personally. I can be a bit of a creature of habit a lot of the time – part of that is due to being organised and liking a routine.

I don’t want to get to the finish line of the ultra next year and be thinking ‘now what?’ which is why it is important that I have other goals to work towards.

As I reflect on 2018 and how some of it has been tough going I do feel I needed to go through that so I could look deep inside of myself and ask myself some tough questions and see what I am really made of.

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