It's funny how one thing can trigger something else. How one thought or action can lead you in one direction, and before you know it you are thinking or doing something completely different. I woke up this morning feeling quite good. I'd had a really positive chat with my boss yesterday. I've also had a few people suggest I write a book (I find that hilarious, but quite flattering). My group is growing rapidly, and I seem to have become a bit of a shoulder for several group members having a tough time. Ironic considering what's been going on with me.
I started work and I put my music on shuffle play. Random songs from my favourite playlist. I've said before I sometimes think my playlist knows my mood or likes to stir up emotions. It did again today. The music had been on for a couple of hours. I had just finished listening to Kate Bush and Peter Gabriel, Don't give up. A beautiful song that when I feel low gives me the kick up the arse I need. Then came another favourite of mine. Hedonism by Skunk Anansie. This song I have loved since it came out over 20 years ago. I've always loved the lyrics but listening to it today I sat and cried. In truth, I sobbed. The words resonated with me more than they ever have before. I packed up work for the day as I couldn't concentrate. I went to bed. I didn't want to deal with what was going on in my head. It didn't work, so I decided to write this.
Hedonism means pleasure and as they say there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. Today this song bought to the surface pain. A pain I've been trying to suppress, ignore, forget about. For the past couple of weeks I have tried really hard not to think about my feelings. I was worried that if I did a pandora's box would be opened, and I would be back to how I was feeling at the beginning of November. That thought scared me. I don't ever want to feel like that again.
Last week I was forced to think about my feelings and whilst I did not revert back to how I was in November I am still quite raw and there is something that is haunting me. Most of what happened in the build up to that point I have reconciled. I've tried many times to put what happened down on paper and each time I've discarded it. Writing my thoughts or ramblings as I like to call it has really helped, but I don't feel it will this time, but I don't know what else will. There is one event that took place at the end of October I still cannot put to rest. This is the one thing in my life I have torn myself apart over in the last few months. This is something I need to but cannot resolve.
I pride myself on having a great memory. Friends joke with me about the things I can recall. Conversations, events, drunken and random things from 30 years ago but for the life of me I have no clue as to what happened one night at the end of October. I have fragments of what happened, mostly what I was told. It's like a jigsaw puzzle with the major pieces missing showing the full picture.
At the end of what had been an awful week personally a friend suggested meeting for a drink after I had finished work. We got to the pub just after 5pm. By 7pm it would seem I was absolutely out of it. I still do not know after 3 glasses of wine how this happened. It has been suggested to me my drink was spiked. I remember feeling strange like I had been out all night on some kind of bender. I remember I just wanted to sleep. I remember bits and pieces of what occurred after I left the pub. I don't remember getting to the train station, but I remember being on the train and a man who had been in the pub talking to me was sitting opposite. I do not remember getting off the train, but I remember talking to a homeless guy by the station and giving him some money for food and the man from the pub and train was still there. I vaguely remember the homeless guy shouting at him, but I do not recall what was said. After that everything is a blur. What I was informed happened next is so unreal, so out of character to me and has caused me a huge amount of shame, embarrassment, hurt and anger. I have physical scars from that night but no understanding of how they got there.
I actually cannot put on paper what happened as it is so disjointed and seems so unreal to me. That night has far-reaching and ongoing consequences. I want to stand and shout from the rooftops that I am not that person. I want to put wrongs right. I want to know what the hell happened. I have never in my life deliberately hurt anyone. I've always put others' feelings and welfare above my own. I'm often told I care too much about others at the detriment to myself. So what happened to me in the space of 2 hours? This one night was the spark to the tinder keg that erupted in November. I don't know how to address this. I don't know how to stop feeling pain from it. I don't know how to move on from something I don't understand.
I've never pretended to be something I'm not. I've always had pride that I am an honest person with a good heart, morals and integrity. That has had a shadow cast over it, it has been questioned and is something I don't know how to live with. I just have to bury that pain again until the next time something triggers it and hope it doesn't drag me back down. In the meantime I'll go back to what I do best. Hide my true feelings and plod on with life and hope tomorrow is a better day.