I have thought and thought and overthought about sending this post. Something that happened with my post the other day, gave me a bit of a kick to do so, along with other things that have recently happened. Sometimes you just need to bite the bullet and do something that fills you with fear. I had spoken with Luke earlier in the summer about writing my ramblings but didn't have the courage at that time. I have been posting for a few months now anonymously, why? I have felt safe. Safe to be able to talk about my deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings without concern of any disapproval or backlash or causing hurt to anyone. It has been incredibly cathartic and helpful to be able to write things I have not been able to find a voice to say. I am fully aware that it is better to get feelings out, not let them fester. It is for me sometimes easier said than done. I have always found it easier to convey my feelings on paper but allow my emotions to get in the way of clearly expressing my true self vocally.
I know the reasons why, and again it is fear. An absolute fear of people’s reactions, a fear that friends or family will read it and criticise, or be hurt by something I have said, fear that my weaknesses will be seen for someone to hurt me and a fear it may open up awkward or difficult conversations.
So, what has changed, why now have I decided to let people see who writes these ramblings? Quite a lot has changed for me, in the past couple of weeks both professionally and personally, and it is time to be brave and build on the positives. I am also ready to move on with the next chapter of my life, a story not yet written.
Professionally I started a brand-new job in a completely new sector to what I have been used to, at the end of September last year. Quite possibly the worst time to change jobs but something I needed to do. At the time I was able to bounce my fears off someone else. Whilst I could not see past the emotional impact my previous job was having on me, they were able to offer a rational and outside perspective which helped me make my decision. The first few months in my new role were incredibly challenging. I was learning new skills, building a client base from scratch in a climate where many people have not been working. I was also going through an incredibly tough time personally.
In the past two weeks my hard work, resilience and perseverance in my career has really paid off. Deals have been rolling in and this has boosted me no end. I also had a goal for major progression when I started my new job, and this is getting closer to achieve. I was also approached last week by a business contact who has offered me a second job outside my main one. It is something I can do around my current role, fills my time and has opened several other avenues up for me, including the possibility of starting my own business - something I have thought about for a while but never really got beyond the daydreaming stage. Now I am seriously researching this possibility and whilst I am just at the ideas and fact-finding stage it has given me a buzz.
Personally, I have been up and down like a yoyo for a while. I started writing my other blog and created my group as an escape from how I was feeling. It has been, like this blog, surprisingly cathartic and a lot of fun. It is also gaining momentum and has opened other avenues for me to pursue. I have engaged with so many people in the past 2 months, from every walk of life and from all over the globe. I have made acquaintances with some truly wonderful people and know that great friendships are on the horizon. They have also taught me a lot about myself and helped me to realise I will no longer tolerate certain treatment from others, people I have known a long time and considered trusted friends, when in fact their selfishness has had a negative impact in my life. It is quite funny how outside perspective is sometimes all you need to see clearly. And the opinions and feedback from others about me over these past few weeks has benefited me greatly.
I have been dealing with some internal demons, whilst I can quieten them, I cannot silence them and every now and then they rear their ugly heads. One of my biggest demons is my confidence. Confidence in how I look and whether I am worthy or good enough. Externally people see a confident strong woman. That is a mask I have worn for many years and comes from my career. I have always been a top performer in whatever job I have done, progression was always offered not sought. I could look confident although not necessarily feeling it, as I knew my stuff and knew I delivered fantastic results. I guess changing my career paired with my confidence personally, being rock bottom, was a bit of a catalyst to the issues I have encountered since November.
I know I cannot continue to feel the way I do and have sought help through therapy. I had some unofficial counselling back in the summer, but I was reluctant to spill all so to speak, so really was not getting to the root cause. I had a therapy session on Monday and have a 3-hour session booked for Friday, where I am going to be hypnotised. It is to help me address my confidence, self-esteem and self-worth issues. I have been warned it is going to be incredibly emotional but if it works, I am willing to try.
So, who am I.? My name is Samantha, I am a 46-year-old woman. Mother to 2 grown up children. A Business Development Executive for a Telecoms company. Like most people I have been through tough times. I overthink, I self-critique far too much, I am passionate. I love openly and honestly. I have many flaws; I trust too easily but at other times not enough. I put other people’s feelings and needs before my own. I am a pleaser and a fixer and whilst I can be the shoulder to everyone and giver of great advice or so I am told, I will struggle in silence with my own problems. I can be incredibly stubborn. I only ever mean the best and whatever I do is without malice and with the best of intentions, but know I can go about it the wrong way. I also know I can be a total contradiction of myself. I love to laugh and all I want from life is to be happy. But this is me, this is who I am. I do not want to be a different person; I just want to feel better about who I am and what I have to offer to others. I'm a simple person and just want happiness. Is that too much to hope for?