I've not written here in months. I have always found that when I'm in a dark place, writing has helped. I've been in a great place mentally up until last week. Last week has caused me to relive the past and question many things.
Since losing my husband and long term partner of 22 years, I had a relationship. For the majority of its short term, it was amazing. I fell hook, line and sinker! It didn't end well.
I'm a passionate woman, wearing my heart on my sleeve (but hide a huge amount of feelings). It was always going to take someone pretty special to make me feel and love again.
I thought I'd met “the one” but it seems I was wrong. I questioned myself, cried myself to sleep many times trying to analyse what went wrong.
Last week after 16 months of no contact he messaged me. My immediate emotions were shocked, confused and happy. I still don't know why I was happy, but I was. A long time has passed. I've changed in many ways, but after agreeing to meet him, I felt odd. It was so good seeing him. The physical attraction was there. The intellectual attraction was there. The emotional attraction!
Well, that's a sticking point. I loved this man. There had only ever been one other I had felt this way, but sometimes with him, it feels like I was conversing with a Robot. I'm not allowed to have feelings without it being passive-aggressive, or I'm putting him down! As a woman who feels and loves, I need to be heard.
There were so many amazing things about this man, and I proudly at the time was his biggest cheerleader. It was never enough! His ironing was more of a priority! My feelings always made him feel I was putting him down, that he wasn't good enough. That is complete bollocks! He was more than good enough. To me, he was perfect. Not in a saintly way, but perfect for me.
I've tried for many months to block him out of my mind. Him reappearing in my life has caused many emotions. Happiness, fear, but above all questions. Why? Why now?
Our communication is great one on one, but via text or email it turns into a battle. It's awful, frustrating, and I know it causes more pain. What should I do? If I don't respond I'm wrong, if I do, it fuels it. I'm lost!
Do I wish he'd not returned to my life? I don't know. When we met, it was so comfortable. We laughed and seemed to reconnect so easily. But that long-standing problem is there. Communication! Discussion without condemnation. Is it something we can ever overcome? I don't know. All I know is I'm confused, frustrated and hurting all over again!