This is the time of year, I think about Spain the most!

It's cold, miserable, and overcast outside; this is the time of year, I think about my old home in Spain the most. I still have many regrets about this period, living in Gran Alacant and for the most part, they are all about dreams unfulfilled. I understand the reasons why I had to return to the United Kingdom in 2018, but it leaves me with an uneasy feeling, as I dream about a future, away from Britain. Living in Spain was hard in every respect, but it was also liberating, soul-searching and a time to grow into a better, more accepting individual.

Friends constantly ask if I will ever return to Spain, and it is a difficult question to answer. If the World was as it was in 2018, then the answer would be yes, without a doubt yes, yes, yes. I miss my life in Alicante greatly. It wasn't a period filled with wine on the terrace, sun-drenched beaches and colourful festivals 24/7, but it was memorable for all the right reasons. Darrell and I achieved everything we needed to in such a short space of time – we both had jobs, earned good money, became Spanish residents and felt included as part of a community, unlike any other we had experienced before. The month before I made the decision to leave, I felt the happiest I had ever felt in years. The Costa Blanca was home, I was happy to be alive and the people in my life, were generous, accepting and nurturing; in all but name, they were the family I didn't have in Britain.

As an individual, I began to appreciate the simple pleasures in life. Being around like-minded people from the expat community was a joy. Each of us had a story to tell, all living in Gran Alacant for very different reasons. It was indeed a melting pot of views and cultures, but most of us seemed to get on well. I really miss that sense of belonging, camaraderie and solidarity, something sorely lacking in the UK. I suppose, on a day like today, with the sun barely poking through, you do turn to better times; even if I didn't think it then, Spain was better in every respect. It is the people I miss the most – being able to walk out of my front door, and slowly meander down to the local square; stopping along the way, I'd pass the time of day with friends and neighbours, eventually sitting quietly in Sierra Mar Square, with a good book and glass of Vino Tinto. Untroubled in an urbanization I adored, I was content with my new life in the sun.

Today, I really do lead a busy, hectic life. I rarely sit down to blog as I would like, because I just don't have the time, and that makes me sad. In Spain, I blogged every day and always had something to say. I also had a monthly column in a magazine  and to be perfectly honest, I was achieving my dreams, in a way I hadn't before. Spain opened doors that in Britain remained closed. The informality of Gran Alacant and the relaxed lifestyle gave me time to breathe and think about life. My thoughts weren't always positive, but the fact I had time to ruminate, was a sign my life was significantly better than it was.

Like Darrell, I tend to suffer in cold weather; I hate the British winter with a passion. Having not left this country since 2019, I have become more resentful than ever at this country, that for me projects a feeling of anxiety, melancholy and depression, especially at this time of year. I am a traveller at heart and always have been, so being confined to Britain, in the middle of a pandemic, has been a dreadfully unsettling time. I am left feeling deflated, often with very little hope, wishing I had stayed firmly in Spain when I had the chance.

Brexit is also another factor that has determined our future direction. There is no chance of returning to Spain in the same way we have in the past, because we just don't have the option to do so. The laws have changed and whether we like it or not, neither of us can work to support ourselves in Europe, we have literally had our choices taken away. I was one of those idiots who voted for Brexit, and it was a huge mistake; there isn't anything I can do about that, so Darrell and I will just have to live with the consequences of my actions.

Brexit is a huge regret for me, but so is leaving Spain in the first place. Both Darrell; and I agree, that I could have stayed on in Spain when he returned to Australia, even during the pandemic, but I remain unsure about that. Britain leaving the EU and COVID-19 has changed all our lives, without exception. Despite reflecting about the amazing life I used to have on the continent, I am aware about just how difficult circumstances would have been for us, had I stayed in Gran Alacant. The hope is, we can one day live abroad, maybe not Europe, and have a similar accomplished existence. We are however realistic about the future and realise time is no longer on our side. Now in our fifties, we may just have to accept the inevitable and create our own small piece of paradise in the UK.

The month after Christmas is traditionally the most challenging time of any year. I do feel depressed and down in January, and that will not change anytime soon. Interestingly when I lived in Spain, January was no exception, I also found it the hardest month, so this probably isn't unique to Britain. Yes, I think I possibly found it easier to cope with, living in a sunnier climate. I will always have fond memories of my time in Gran Alacant, I am still in contact with many of those I met there and enjoy seeing their photographs and hearing their stories on facebook and Instagram every day. I may not be a part of their lives now, but those three years, living and working in Europe, remain firmly in my heart. They are a reminder of what life can be like, if I persevere enough and embrace another country's culture and traditions, Somewhere to spread my wings, somewhere to call home!