Uncertain Times!

I am sat here on my tod, listening to emotional music taking me back to happier times. It has been lovely seeing people over the last few days. You have all made me feel so happy. This was the perfect week, this is that final weekend before things really do change for me.  Thanks to Darrell, I am finally getting the professional psychiatric care I need.  A three-month wait, has become a two-week rush, to seek the final diagnosis that I need to move either forward or become pensioned off as it were.

Medication has never worked for me.  It has caused so much anxiety and pain, jaw dropping moments and life-threatening situations.  Now I am literally surrendering myself to the Doctors and will follow recommendations and medication to the letter.  I have no other option.  The sedatives and anti psychotics, prescribed to stop MANIA are at an end.  Now it's time for a final diagnosis, to lay to rest my medical conditions and get the correct, stable, life-saving pills; yes life-saving.  I can not go through another suicidal phase, I am tired of the severe highs and lows,  It is debilitating and a shocking thing for my partner and friends to witness; It really scares me to my bones!

I know it is going to be difficult to treat two completely different conditions; one a chemical imbalance, the other a brain wiring fault.  I know options could be limited and risky and getting used to such a course of drugs could be the hardest challenge yet, but the alternative, is a lifetime of instability, supervision and a care package I am not prepared to endure or indeed put Darrell through.

The Mania I experienced recently was like nothing I had suffered before. Being locked up for mine and my partners safety was completely soul-destroying.  Darrell has never been here when I have made a choice to end my life; I know he was completely shocked and lost; he did what he had to do.  I can not live a lifetime like that, it would be an appalling way to run our lives.  Waiting, fear and unknown fate would end us finally; we both deserve a better twenty years than those that have gone before.

I am not sure how highly medicated I will be, which always comes back to loss of memory, personality and free thinking. These are my nightmares and those constant frightening thoughts;  I have a feeling I will change.  I know my psychiatrist will explain what to expect, but you just can not prepare yourself for the loss of who you are. There are worst and best case scenarios; in reality it depends on my chemical disposition, reaction to stronger pills and personal wellbeing and quality of life.

I have done my own research, and as usual there are limitations on what the NHS can offer.  If the drugs are not approved by NICE, then it is out of the question.  In reality, we are at the mercy of the consultant's expertise.  If he or she gets it wrong it would be a disaster.

These are not depressive thoughts, just realistic thinking at a time when I am actually pretty positive.  So on Thursday 14th May, the options are laid bare.  The decision is out of my hands.  Darrell will make the final decision as my responsible carer.  It should be his choice anyway, he has suffered the most in all this.  I know he will make the right decision; he has too!

D DAY THURSDAY!