Toxic People and Insomnia!

Well, as I'm sure you are aware by now, this week's blog, is about toxic people, a subject I have plenty of knowledge about, after working for the most toxic charity in the United Kingdom, for eight, long, years. If I am perfectly honest, I am sat here exhausted and feeling particularly debilitated. No, not because of my job, but because of 'TOXIC PEOPLE' who have made my life a misery this week. I am so thankful it is the weekend right now, and I am able to recharge, after such a horrible seven days. Sometimes, I think I am too old for having opinions and speaking my mind — maybe it is time, to just settle down and live a peaceful life?

Every Sunday, I like to blog; this is the moment I can really sit down, think about the ups and downs of the past week and finally relax. Since an altercation with several people online, I haven't been on social media and so far I don't have a desire too. To think, the way I am feeling now, is all because of a complimentary comment I made towards, a rather famous comedian, after commenting on how wonderful they looked. Usually this would be an acceptable way of expressing one's thoughts towards another human being, but because this comedian is transsexual, I have experienced a crescendo of abuse, like you wouldn't believe.

I was attacked verbally online by a person I do not know, much else, ever met. They decided to stalk me across all my social media pages, and describe in graphic detail, how I should be strung up and publically hung in the street. This individual said plenty more that is unprintable and would go against my contract with Google, if I mentioned it today, so I won't. That person caused me enough pain and upset, without Google cancelling my account as well.

The person in question was a Reform Party supporter; it was emblazoned across his social media page. In his words, when Reform wins the next election, people like me will be dealt with. As a gay man, who grew up in the 1970s and 80s, I am well aware of what discrimination is and feels like. Darrell and I have been discriminated against all our lives, and I really thought the World had changed. Clearly, from the tone and behaviour of this far right supporter, nothing could be further from the truth, and I still feel shocked to the core at the language he used.

After thinking about it, I responded to his diatribe, by sharing a post about Reform. I suppose it was to make me feel better and just get the anger off my chest. I literally thought nothing more about it, until several friends also started to verbally assault me for posting it. One of those has been a friend for over thirty years, and we both are polar opposites politically, so I accept his comments, as I always did in the past. His friendship is far too important to me to do anything else.  The observations he made were neither offensive, nor over the top, and certainly didn't cause me any upset. The other guy, however, was a volunteer, who I employed whilst working for Oxfam — I have no such loyalty or attachment towards him, and am totally flabbergasted by his outburst.

There wasn't an ounce of empathy, and he couldn't care less about my feelings. There was no understanding at all. His behaviour was pure toxicity, and I was in no mood to take any of it. I replied several times, when I decided to just block him and get on with the rest of my life. Judging by previous experience, this is the only was to deal with someone like that. 

Trying to put this kind of thing to the back of my mind, can be difficult for an insomniac like me. Over the last few years, my sleeping patterns have gotten steadily worse. Some nights I only have 4 hours sleep, others a bit more. I sleep a maximum of six hours, and I am wide awake at 4am every day, ready to start the day. Believe me, I have tried everything to solve this, but to no avail. Today, I just live with it and hope it gets better.

I strongly believe, my insomnia is a result of the severe anxiety I suffer with. I no longer wear my Fitbit to bed to monitor my sleep, as I believe it has made my sleep anxiety worse. I have also started to switch my phone off several hours before sleeping and make sure the bedroom is as dark as possible. Luckily, Darrell and I have a three-bedroom house and I can sleep alone when absolutely necessary, which helps us both in the long run.

As a nervous individual I do not cope with anxiety and stress very well, so when anything happens, that upsets my wellbeing and sense of balance, I can not sleep at all. What happened this week has just tired me out. I know I should learn to ignore the haters, but I do have a voice and an opinion, which I am entitled to express. No one should try to silence anyone. I believe in mutual respect and understanding and would never attack someone for their views.

After this blog today, offloading all the hate, I will not mention this incident again. The therapeutic nature of blogging is such, that I will never need to. I can, however, look back at this entry in a few months time and hopefully learn from the hurtful comments, growing stronger because of it. Yes, at 54 years old, I am still learning and will always continue to, until the day I die. I like to think I am better than all the hateful people in the World, especially at the moment, and look forward to a time, when we can all live together in peace and harmony once again… Until then, I guess there will be many more episodes like this, but each one is a reminder to do better, strive for more meaningful friendships and above all, rise above the fray!

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