Struggle!

If somebody was to ask me, for one word that sums up my life, that word would be 'STRUGGLE'.  So many people I know, just sail through life, like nothing matters. For me it has been very different; today, as I write this, it is another prime example of why my life is so different to other people's.  The situation I find myself in, is not ideal. Struggling to restart my life, in a foreign country, without my partner, with no money, is probably the biggest challenge thus far, apart from the reasons that brought me here in the first place.  As I lay in bed last night, I was trying to think about these testing times and whether or not there was any pattern to them happening.

From an early age, wrestling with sexuality, I found everything difficult to cope with. Not being able to talk to someone, about the most important aspect of one's life, is hard.  Things are not, as they are now, with someone  to talk to, at the end of a phone. There was no access to anyone.  Consequently, one does tend to deal with everything oneself.  Early on, as a teenager, I probably made the decision to be independent, stand on my own two feet and just get on with life; no emotion, no anger, just a rejection of other people.  After all, they were not going to be there for me, when it mattered, only I could do that.  I became very independent, but all the while craved for some help or guidance in my life.  There was absolutely no one, to be there for me.

Despite having friends, some of whom knew about my sexuality, it was a very lonely time and between 1987 and 1995, when I met Darrell, I really struggled with life.  It wasn't just sexuality I wrestled with, it was everything, every single, damn thing!  I couldn't manage money, found forming friendships difficult, I writhed at social situations and most debilitating of all I suffered with depression and anxiety, which of course made situations worse.  All the while, I talked to no one.  Remember, I came from that time, where we didn't speak about our problems.  

When I met Darrell, I felt low, didn't understand myself or who I was and at the end of my tether. To be honest, I believed my life's problems would just go away after meeting my new partner, but if anything they got worse.  I had spent so long blocking out my feelings, that when I found someone I loved, I just couldn't open up, as a person any more.  That really affected our relationship and made our endeavours doubly hard.  I carried on acting as though I was single, believing, I had to deal with my problems and issues, when in fact Darrell could have helped me far more than I realised.

Our time together has always been hard, From day one, sexuality and Nationality presented unique complications that were difficult to overcome.  Even today, after 21 years together, we are separated because of these obstacles.  They will never be resolved in our lifetime.  Our fight was different to most; Bipolar also compounded these difficulties, exacerbating the 'cons' in our life further.  For me, I just wanted an easy ride for a change, but it just never happend.  Something worse always rears its ugly head, and we are thrown off track, from brief periods of success. In all honesty, this has much more to do with other people than ourselves.  During successful times, we seem to collect the worst people in our life, only there to take. When the money dries up, they are gone again. So although we have enjoyed these good, productive times, I actually prefer the periods of inaction, because we are the only two battling to get through the hard times; there is nothing to take and people tend to keep their distance.

I often sit quietly at home, thinking to myself; Why have other people got it so easy? What did I do wrong to deserve the constant battling?  When will we finally be happy and not have to go through all the hurdles we have too?  These are all perfectly normal reactions and thoughts to what I consider to be an abnormal life.  Now here's the thing, I have been waiting to get at.  I have spent a lot of time thinking, speaking to people, as I am allowed to now and forming my own conclusions, about just how bad my life really is.  Even as I write these thoughts down, I am coming to further revelations about my way of thinking. 

OK, so I haven't had an easy life, far from it, but has it really been that bad?  I have struggled far more than my friends and those I went to School or University with, but is it really any worse than what others go through.  A part of this problem, is of course me. I believe I am the author of my own destiny, and I have got myself to where I am. Point blank, it is my fault.  This is a blog entry about feeling sorry for oneself, as I do from time to time.  It is also an entry about realisation.  Words on a screen teach us lessons, as this has.  Compared to ninety percent of the World, my life is good.  I have a roof over my head and wonderful friends, a little money in my pocket and plans for the future.  OTHERS DON'T!  I am also relatively healthy, OTHERS AREN'T!  Above all I have a happy, long lasting relationship, OTHERS ARE STILL LOOKING!

As I am typing, that bloody programme  'Escape to the Country', has come on.  People with too much money, looking to buy an expensive house, with more space than they need, while others go hungry.  This is just a show about excess and greed.  I used to watch it all the time; in envy, and wish I had what these people could afford. There, I've turned it over now;  I will never have their sort of money and have no idea why I continue to watch it, force of habit I guess.  When I look at the people who are buying these places, I often believe how easy their life is, or has been.  I don't actually know that, it is just something I believe and assume.  They may well have struggled like me and worse, who knows!

So Have I really struggled?  Well compared to those I know, yes, undoubtedly; far more than my family ever have, far more than most of my friends and far more than the majority of people I know and converse with today; but no, I haven't struggled so much compared with most!  We all want life to be a little bit easier, but the fact life was hard for me, has taught me a great deal.  It gave me independence, self reliance, morals and a sense of what is right and wrong.  I never take from others, always give, help those who need it, still accord to charity and always, always put others first.  That can't be bad, can it.  So my life is not the worst, but until I start writing these blog entries, I never really know how they are going to end.  I expected to whinge and whine, woe is me and say how bad it has been, but actually I can't.  I've enjoyed every minute of it, wouldn't change it for the World!

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