Relapse

August 2014.  That's a month I won't forget in a hurry.  What a great summer it was.  I had more friends than I could ever want and was enjoying life.  Living for the moment and happier than ever.  Or so I thought!  My view of friends and friendships are very different to most other peoples.  I expect a lot, maybe too much from friends and in return I give my all. Having a lot of friends can be a problem.  Spreading oneself too thin can cause offence.  The quality of friendships diminishes and you spend too much time worrying about others and not enough time worrying about yourself.

Summer 2014, was about excess and when I look back now, damaging behaviour. I had let my guard down too far.  The medication I was on had made me so complacent that I was allowing the worst dregs of society into my life.  I really mean the worst too.  Evil in many cases!   

My relationship was suffering and I didn't even know it!  

Darrell and myself have been together 20 years. The most time we had ever spent apart is just a week, at the beginning, while Jason was waiting to return from Australia.  Over the last year and a half we changed all that.  We split up twice.  I want to focus on the second time, the beginning of a long period of relapse.

Our relationship had become violent for the first time.  My depression and mania had become uncontrollable, my medication was failing and finally we split for a second time.  Once again I tried to take my own life.  I had a few bottles of vodka and took around 120 tablets.  Venlafaxine, Quetiapine, pain killers, Tramadol, whatever I could get hold of, I took them. I was found by someone I used to regard a friend.  He found me and saved my life.  I even asked the Paramedics when they arrived if he had indeed saved me, they said he had and immediately it left me with a dilemma!

This guy saved my life, yet he had been in part responsible for the worst period of my life!

I was taken to Hospital and left on a bed for over 2 hours, when I walked out.  I made it home, somehow, although even today, I have no idea how!  The Hospital called The Police, who searched the grounds and finally ended up breaking into my house.  They had a duty of care to save my life, they said. All I wanted was to be left alone.  I fought off the threat of sectioning by speaking to Doctors and Police into the early hours. Eventually they agreed that I was of sound mind, and they were not going to take me to a secure unit.

CHOICES

It was time to make some choices.  Darrell was staying with two friends.  A phone call to me suggested they were more than friends, so I had to make decisions.  The old me, would have flown off the handle and probably ruined what was left of our relationship. I asked for advice.  For the first time  ever I asked someone what I should do.

'Do something, you would not normally do!'

So I did, or rather didn't.  Firstly I gave up Medication.  At the time, I had too.  I had no choice.  It wasn't working.  Getting to see a Doctor with the current state of The NHS, was near on impossible.  There was no chance of seeing my personal Doctor, which is something I had always requested.  My meds were rationed, due to a previous attempt at suicide and point black, no one cared enough at that time, to help me!

Meds in the bin, Darrell came back and now, I was determined to sort my life out!

I went through a month of hell coming off medication.  Going cold turkey was not recommended.  In fact, I was told to never come off my medication.  I ignored it.  With the month over, I felt something, I had not felt in years.  I could smell, taste, hear and see things in a way, I had not experienced for many years.  I remember that first day, walking to work in the morning, appearing from like a haze.  I looked back behind me. The haze was still there, but not following me.  It was a complete sense of freedom!

Relapse

In reality, if I had investigated the implications behind giving up medication, I would have realised, stopping treatment was impossible.  I was chronically ill and needed pills for the rest of my life.  I lasted 8 months instead of the three predicted. During those 8 months I got to know a dear friend again and was able to sustain a good friendship.  I removed bad people and influences from my life.  I did normal things.  I went for meals out and pub lunches.  All of which I hadn't done in a long time.  I met new decent people and Darrell and myself finally seemed happy and full of hope.

In reality, I was breaking down inside.  I still had people who were bad for me and I thought were friends.  They were still manipulating me.  In fact for the last four months I was being harassed, at home, on the net and at work.  I had an exterior of 'I'm handling this'.  I wasn't at all.  I was on my own and having to fight a tirade of abuse that was breaking me apart.  

I put time and effort into other people in a way I hadn't done previously.  It took my mind off the abuse I was suffering, but it didn't solve the pain.  I took on more responsibility at work, but was suffering daily.  I said nothing, I needed support, there was none.  My fault, I should have asked.

The end came when the person harassing me made a comment online to someone I regarded as close.  By this time The Police were aware of what was going on, and they told me to block that person, every time, without exception.  Since I had already removed him from my life, sadly I had to block a good friend.  He still hasn't forgiven me for that!  I had no choice.  It was a temporary measure, to prevent an escalation of hostility.  Something I would not have done as a rule, unless the Police said otherwise. My options were removed.

Only days later I was confronted by an incident at work that left me feeling victimised and bullied.  I collapsed, both physically and mentally.  It was only a matter of time, before things got seriously bad and I did everything I could to block that out!

End Time

I spent a week MANIC.  Mania is not something I can really describe.  I was lost in my own thoughts and feelings but was also spending quality time with a friend who I had only just met.  Natalee Michelle.  We talked for hours and hours.  I discovered much about Natalee, that I had never known and I have become very fond of her.  She helped me talk through issues of depression and madness and without her, I am not sure I would be here today.  She cooked me and Darrell a meal. I hadn't eaten in nearly a week, and I was grateful for all she did and is still doing.

On the day she went home, my mania had reached dangerous levels.  So dangerous, Darrell phoned the Police.  I was suicidal and spoke so fast and unclear, he knew enough, to make a difficult decision for him.  I left the house.  I was going to jump on cars to a bridge, where I would throw myself off.  I would finally be free and Darrell would also be able to get on with the rest of his life, without this wreck, I had become.

I was stopped by the Police, who thank god, prevented me from damaging myself and was taken into custody.  I spent a night in the cells and was assessed by The Mental Health Team, the next day.  A plan of action was discussed and my Doctor was concerned enough to get me into see a consultant straight away.  

After severe physical and mental pain, whilst rapid cycling and damaging behaviour I am today sedated most of the time, and I am awaiting a further diagnosis, which could include ADD.  Darrell, Natalee, Chris and Dale have been a great inspiration over this last week and have helped me keep memories alive.  For that I am truly grateful!

Darrell cried when I had to once again take medication, that I hated.  I did not want to be a shell of my former self, but I knew I had too.  In time, I hope to see beyond the drugs and do my best to be me again, however long that takes!