Year In Review - Family!

​I have always had a rather strained relationship with my family for reasons I can’t even recall. I suppose if I looked back far enough I would discover the reasons why but prefer to keep difficult recollections shut away, dealing with them when I have to. My lifestyle and sexuality has been the biggest factor in my distance from those who were once close. I was born in a very different era, consequently growing up gay was difficult for me, possibly more than most. I was given very little support from those who should have helped, as a result my life took a different path, to the one I expected. The Southampton gay scene became my family, rightly or wrongly. Their influence became a great source of contention; it is highly doubtful anyone back then, after my first few years of coming out, had a beneficial impact on my well-being. My life augmented, firmly cemented within this close knit community; difficult to break away from. A gay scene can be a good supportive network of like minded individuals, it can also be a destructive force, a bubble, outside of which, it becomes difficult to survive. This was the juncture myself and my family began to part ways; I didn’t notice it so much at the time, but can clearly see the seeds of estrangement today.

Moving to Spain has been a rebuilding process in every respect; in this penultimate review of 2017, I wanted to talk about family, not something I do very often, but feel it is appropriate to discuss my changing relationship, with those who were an important part of my life. They may not always be close now, but that doesn’t mean they are not consequential, they are. The distance between us isn’t only physical; I also chose to emotionally drift into the background, of what was at one stage the largest family in Hampshire, because I didn’t want my life to be a judgement on theirs; that way no one would get hurt in the future. These were indeed very different times; not so long ago, growing up gay was a difficult process, especially when there were those, who didn’t appreciate my sexuality. Staying away was easier for everyone concerned!

Since emigrating to Spain I have been lucky enough to reconnect with members of my family, I haven’t seen or messaged in many years. Moving to the other side of Europe has brought me closer to those who were distant when I lived in the UK; for the life of me I don’t know why. I did make that first step, a conscious decision to contact family members myself when I moved here. The circumstances of my arrival were not the most auspicious, so explaining what transpired in my life was a little difficult, but in my view necessary, in order to move forwards, no longer looking back to darker times. Once the formalities were out of the way, the reasons for our relocation were never discussed again.

This year I was lucky enough, to have been visited by my cousin Tracy and her lovely family, while they were on holiday in this region of Spain. Now I haven’t seen Tracy for many years, probably thirty in total, so it was rather a shock seeing her. However this reunion was the highlight of my new life so far. Even though we only spent a brief period together, it was fantastic catching up after so long. The last time I saw Tracy, she was sporting an 80s perm. I remember we all used to gather, on large family occasions at Funtley Village Hall; Weddings, Birthdays, that sort of thing, so I would imagine, that would have been the last place I saw her. It was so long ago, I can’t remember exactly.

It is only through the wonders of facebook that I saw Tracy at all. After losing contact with my Aunt Carol, Tracy’s Mother, I found her again whilst searching on the Worlds biggest networking site and the rest is history as they say. My Aunt Helen was another family member who contacted me; currently living in the Channel Islands, she encouraged me to speak to other family members, which I did and although we all still remain rather aloof, at least there are the beginnings of reconciliation. Somebody did ask me the other day about my kinsfolk back in the UK. Sadly I couldn’t tell them very much, as we haven’t had a lot of contact over the years; when I sat back and thought for a moment, I understood just how unfortunate this was. All families have disagreements and fall out from time to time, but to allow things to get so bad, that contact becomes impossible is a travesty; hopefully this will be something, that can be put right in the coming year.

Despite the distance between us, this year has been a good one for rekindling family bonds; not only mine of course. Darrell spent the first three months of 2017 in Australia, caring for his Mother who has cancer; notwithstanding these difficult circumstances, he was also able to once again see family, he hasn't seen in many years, re-establishing some important relationships. Thankfully his Mum seems to be on the mend now and able to look after herself; Darrell would like the visit her as often as he can in future and who can blame him. I aim to travel back to the UK later in the winter, in order to see my Mother and father; finances and time allowing of course. After a two year absence I am well aware that Spain is now my home and have no desire to return to Britain full time. Staying away as long as I have, has allowed me to bed down and establish myself here, returning to Britain when I feel the time is right; early 2018 is the perfect opportunity to finally make contact once again!

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