Suicide!

Even on my Birthday, I am bust sorting out stuff, but I did make time to sit and watch Coronation Street; unusual for me, since I rarely watch television these days. Tonight's episode was powerful, really powerful and brought a lot of old memories flooding to the surface. In the show, Aidan decided to take his own life; everything had got on top of him and he could not find any other way out of his situation; circumstances born of despondency, beyond his control. I'm sure everyone of us have had our own depressive thoughts at one time or another. I have had personal experience of this subject and have known friends who have killed themselves over the years. Not all of us have cosy middle class lives, some of us struggle everyday, wrestling with difficulties we just can't overcome.

As a young gay man, I spent long periods with similar like minded people; loving, genuine and on the surface at least, happy individuals, who found it difficult growing up gay, at a volatile time in the history of same sex acceptance. Not only did we suffer from physical abuse but the mental health of many of us was a real sense of concern. Depression and other disorders were common place in the community in which I lived. It wasn't unusual to hear of someone attempting suicide. As shocking as this act is, you do become immune to it, especially when you live through it everyday. There was very little help for those of us who needed support at low points, in fact there still isn't. Suicide is a taboo subject; people are afraid to discuss it.

When a person dies of natural causes, we mourn as a family or group, celebrating their life, remembering them with fondness. When a person kills themselves, their memory becomes tainted. We avoid discussing their achievements and successes because, they chose their own time to go. I have mentioned people's names in conversation; those who were close; who decided when the time was right. These were decent, admirable, strong and giving friends, whose lives became just too difficult to cope with; yet their memories are forgotten, because of the manner in which they departed. Conversation quickly changes to more acceptable subjects; trivial chatter becomes far easier to articulate. This is an issue for me; memories must live on!

The biggest problem with suicide is self blame. Everyone has a story, about why it's their fault. We shoulder the responsibility of a loved ones death, because we believe we should have been there. In the early 2000s a mutual friend of mine and Darrell's jumped from a motorway bridge near my home town of Fareham. He suffered with depression and was on medication, that impaired his judgement, clouding his mind. Not all pills work, one has many years of trial and error, adjusting to antidepressants, before seeing results. The first few months are the worst and the very issues one is trying to deal with can be accentuated many times over. The friend in question had phoned me, just a few days before, asking for us to come and visit him. Sadly we had just taken over a new business and made our excuses, promising to see him in the near future. When his Mother confirmed his death to us shortly afterwards, we both took it hard and felt responsible for what happened. In truth I still do, although, I understand that there was nothing I could have done, it probably would have happened anyway.

People who take their own lives are the strongest people in the World. When you make that choice, you think of everyone else, not yourself. 'The World would be better off without me!' 'I'm only a burden to others!' 'Nobody will miss me when I'm gone!' Thoughts of friends and family take centre stage. It is hard explaining to others just what someone is going through when they make a conscious choice to end their life, but other people should be made aware of this difficult subject!

Coronation Street showed the aftermath of suicide tonight. It was done remarkably well; it actually had me in tears, which is rare these days. I hope now all of us will be able to openly discuss the implications of despair and mental health. All of us should be aware of the signs of depression; listen to what those close are saying, read between the lines and gently encourage them to get the help they need. It's time to talk about subjects we wouldn't otherwise tackle. If we don't we are denying these issues exist; they do and we all need to deal with them!

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