A Week of Highs and Lows!

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Still Looking For Answers

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I have been feeling a little under the weather over the past week. Whether because of post-operative blues or a general return to the status quo, I have felt a little sicker than usual. It would seem my IBS is returning and not all the adverse symptoms I suffered with, were because of gallbladder disease. Before the operation, I had concerns about some discomfort I was feeling under my left rib and that seems to have manifested once again, causing more distress than usual. Of course the anxiety I suffer with, doesn't help those pains, but it seems more than that. The only way I can describe it, is like having a crab attached to the side of my ribcage. It is annoying rather than extremely painful, but I am nevertheless concerned.

This gnawing pain seems to get worse throughout the day; almost non-existent in the morning, it's deeply throbbing by dusk, only relieved by sleep. I have tried stopping certain medication; increasing my Lansoprazole, used to control the production of stomach acid, as well as constantly googling symptoms, scaring myself half to death. The more I research what is going on, the worse the discomfort tends to get; it really does feel like a vicious circle.

My biggest concern is that it may have something to do with my pancreas, and naturally my mind thinks the worst. I am keeping a close eye on other indicators and despite believing they are pointing towards a worrying diagnosis, I am having to take a step back and distract myself when I can. I know health anxiety can be a real bitch when it wants, but I just need answers that I don't seem to be getting, no matter how loud I shout.

Currently, I am self-isolating for the next three days, before I have an Oesophago-gastro duodenoscopy on Friday. I have been waiting for this procedure for quite a while due to the ongoing pandemic. This morning I had to have a COVID pcr test at St Mary's Hospital in Portsmouth, in readiness for the investigations at the end of the week. I am hopeful I will begin to get some answers, about what is causing my distress, but I am also realistic. I know I have a large hiatal hernia, which could be the source of the pain, but the gnawing annoyance, could also point towards an ulcer. Whatever the prognosis, the hope is, I can finally lay this period to rest and start living life once again. If I am honest, the anxiety I feel on a daily basis is getting me down; it's finally time to get to the bottom of exactly what's going on!

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Darrell in Australia

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A very mixed bag of views and opinions today, discussing the highs and lows of the week. For the most part I have been occupied with work, more than ever, as I get back to reality after my operation. I have also been happy to undertake some overtime, preparing for Darrell's return from Australia, a welcome piece of good news. After nearly two years apart, Darrell has booked his flight to leave Australia on 16th of September, just three weeks away now. Despite the fears we both still have about him flying during a pandemic, we are just both relieved he has set a date and is on his way home.

Darrell is luckier than most, granted permission to travel relatively quickly, but leaving Mum behind, as she continues her treatment for cancer is a wrench, hard to comprehend. He has assured the Australian government, that he will not return to the continent for at least three months. This is a difficult choice for Darrell to have to make, but given Australia's strict COVID regulations, he has no choice but to adhere to their conditions. Our hope is Mum stays well, and both of us can return to spend time with her each year. Her illness seems to be under control for now and there is a treatment plan in place to make sure she has the best care in future.

Darrell and I have discussed the future, as one would expect, but once again, due to our difficult circumstances, we are still unsure, where our heart really lies. It is hard being torn between two countries, unable to decide where to settle. We want to be around family, but the cost of staying in Portsmouth is prohibitive. The price of housing is just out of our price range, so we will have to come up with an alternative. In the interim, we would like to purchase a property up north, near to where we lived before and rent it out, while we continue to stay with family down south. In that way we would at least have a bolthole, offering us a place to escape to, should we need to relocate in the future.

Darrell has been making the most of his time left in Australia with Mum, and today they have spent time together at Caversham Wildlife Park in Western Australia. It must be so hard for Darrell having to move to the other side of the World of the World once again, leaving his family, friends, and most importantly, his Mother behind. We have really been left to the mercy of events; Coronavirus has dictated  when Darrell can and can't come home and this looks like becoming a regular feature of travel, for the foreseeable future. This isn't an ideal situation for us, just as it isn't for others, so for now we just have to comply with the law and conduct our relationship in the best way we can.

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Inhumane and Perverse

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Despite being preoccupied with work and health concerns, I have been able to spend some time keeping up with events around the World. In the news this week, the allies retreat from Afghanistan. What a bloody mess we have created, leaving thousands upon thousands of people to their fate, as the Taliban take over the country.

I think I am as shocked as most people at how fast the Taliban swept through this broken state, stamping their authority over the country. As a spectator looking in, I am appalled by the way America has acted as a nation. The deadline, Joe Biden has given for palling out of the country, is 31st of August. Between now and then, the allies, that helped to build modern Afghanistan, will have to get its citizens and Afghani comrades out. These people include charity and aid workers, interpreters, officials and military personnel. Thousands of innocent people and refugees will have to be airlifted out of the region in a little over a week.

The anger and frustration I feel towards President Biden and other World leaders for washing their hands of Afghanistan and its population is immeasurable. These people gave their lives in the service of America, Britain, and others, and we have left them to die; what a disgusting way to treat them and what a terrible failure of judgement on our part.

The thousands of refugees heading towards the airport, the chaotic scenes of desperation as people beg to be put on a flight out of the country, is heartbreaking. The lives of women, children, minority groups including the LGBTQ+ community will change forever. The stoning of women, murder of gay people and assassinations of dissidents will once again become common place. Listening to these hopeless human beings speak about their fears for the future was distressing and painful, as I realised just what my Government has done to them. Western nations went into Afghanistan after 9/11 and protected them from the Taliban for twenty years. During this period they rebuilt and adopted western habits and ways, became a part of the wider World and embraced their future fully. Today, they face a desperate destiny, with many of those who helped us left behind; I shudder at what will happen to them!

It has been another soul-searching week for me, full of mixed feelings and emotions. It is lovely to have Darrell returning home after such a long time, but with my health unlike it was, I have changed dramatically since I saw him last. The pandemic has aged me out of all proportion, I have grown old beyond my years and feel every inch of my fifty years. As I view the scenes from Afghanistan, I am however reminded how lucky I am to be living in a civilised nation, with access to health care and support. This is in stark contrast to those poor people trying to escape the ravages of war in Afghanistan. Darrell and I can restart our life, these people don't have that option. The World has indeed changed and continues to evolve, beyond all comprehension, as all of us seek to find a way through the muddle and confusion, that echoes louder than ever before!