A letter to myself - 30 years in the past!

A letter to myself, aged 16, knowing what I know now!

Dear Luke,

I call you Luke, but as I write this letter to you now, your name is Darren; the name we were both born with; the story of our life is a difficult one; the name we have today is different, but makes us no less of a person, it is born out of our shared experiences. you will embrace your new self and your new life one day in the future. At sixteen you have yet to live; the road you have chosen, will not be the one you follow. The choices you make, will forever change this direction. As your future self, I am writing to you, not only warn you of the future ahead, but also to evaluate where you are today. You are me, thirty years ago; you have managed to reach the grand old age of 46. At sixteen, you didn't ever believe you would grow old. Life for you now is easy, even though you may not quite believe it; as a child, the years passed slowly, though not easily. You had your fare share of issues to deal with; issues that will one day explode head long into your life, changing it forever.

At sixteen you are at the beginning of a journey that will take you to college, attending a course, you were never meant to study. It is the 1980s for you now, Margaret Thatcher is the Prime minister; yuppies, the City, deregulation and privatisation, buzz words of the day; You did what was fashionable at the time, studying business, but it isn't your passion. The choices you made were influenced by the times you lived through; you made the wrong decisions. Choose to study what you most desire; you are a writer, politician and historian; these are the subjects you love, but somehow you forget there importance. Do not do what others want you to do, always follow your heart!

At seventeen you join the civil service as an Administration Officer, you will also take an Executive Officer exam and pass with flying colours; the future looks bright; a long career in the Civil Service a head of you, until you go on your journey of self discovery. Understanding you were gay at eleven years old, you have  wrestled with these feelings for five years now. Scared of the consequences of homosexuality; AIDS was a killer disease and you were going to die. The adverts of the time were frightening and still live with you today, at forty six years old; yes mate, we still have nightmares about that time; a period that will affect your life forever. 

Do you remember how isolated you felt as a child, indeed how lonely you can feel today. Back in 1987, you are unable to discuss your homosexuality with anyone, even in an official capacity. You feel dirty, different and ashamed, but there is no need to be. The feelings you have are natural; being gay is not a sin or wrong; embrace your sexuality and please, please, don't let it destroy your life. I will warn you now, every decision you make, from the age of sixteen, will be made, because of  who you are. You carry your true self around with you, like a cross to bare; the weight of the World on your shoulders; it sends your life down some dark alleys, at times you don't feel able to carry on; you are gay, yes, but it isn't your life, there are other far more important aspects and experiences to cherish and concentrate on.

After a few years in the Civil Service, you choose to study at University, not because you want to learn, but because you want to leave home, have freedom and independence; University is the easiest way to achieve this. Here is where it all goes wrong. You get involved in all the excesses University life throws your way, have unprotected sex, party till you drop and finally get involved in a gay scene, that offered a level of protection and community that you had been searching for; understanding people who could be there for you, in a way your parents never could. The gay community back then was truly amazing at helping each other, although equally as good at influencing those less Worldly wise and vulnerable, to a life of unrestrained indulgence. If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be, avoid the gay scene, live a normal life, it will be your undoing in the end.

Your biggest achievement is your relationship. You meet an Australian at the age of 22, still happily married together, today. The twenty plus years you have been partners have been so bloody difficult you wouldn't believe; trying to stay as one, under draconian sex same rules that are designed to keep you apart, test you to the limit. Even today, because of your sexuality, in 2017, you are being made to jump through official hoops, because of who you are; just don't give up. The most important thing in life is love and your commitment to one another will never wane and diminish; here is where your success lies.

Today you are living in Spain, I bet you never thought that would happen. The circumstances that brought you here, are not the best. You arrived with little or no money, after traumatic times. During your time together you and Darrell, have been through many tough stretches; lived in Australia, bought a house in France, run a business together and finally worked for the same charity, Oxfam. Your boss is a sociopath and to cut a long story short, you have to legally leave the UK, to start a new life after yours becomes endangered. Oxfam do nothing to help you and as I write this letter today, you have to restart and rebuild lives, taken away by others. After a prolonged period of illness brought about by stress, you are now at least free of these chains, the people who caused so much harm and the destruction induced.

So what brought you to this point? Well you have always been a poor judge of character, preferring to believe what other people say as honest and true, when the reality is very different. Veronica Raymond (Remember that name!), who was your boss at Oxfam, came across as a friend, someone you could trust and confide in, actually she was a bully and a sociopath, who had dedicated her life to destroying others. It isn't your fault. The biggest single piece of advice I could give you, is trust no one; if you have a belief something isn't quite right, it probably isn't; walk away; always trust your gut instinct. Never get taken in by false promises, stop giving and only think of yourself and those closest. 

Life has not been easy for you, but you will survive. Do not use your sexuality as an excuse to implode, it is not the most important aspect of your life. You may well be living in Spain, under the strangest of circumstances, but you are now at least happy, surrounded by friends, doing what you love, writing, enjoying the mediterranean sun, meeting new people and restarting your life with a clean slate. so circumstances didn't turn out too bad. Stay alert and aware of people; actually I could just as easily apply that to myself now, as well as you then and be happy in the knowledge that you are alive and kicking, whilst so many you have known are no longer here. 

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