It has been a week of thinking and evaluating. I find this important. It has been busy as I come to the end of my second week in my new role – some of it has been a bit of a baptism of fire but I love that – being thrown in at the deep end or it being tough. It helps me become a lot more resilient a lot quicker as well as adapting. I’m having to learn quickly and adapt even quicker. I’m in my absolute element when I do this. When I was delivering a workshop a few days ago I did question my ability as it was the first time I’d delivered this particular workshop and the material – I had a minor wobble. I went to the toilet and looked in the mirror and told myself I was delivering the workshop because I have the knowledge, the experience, the confidence, the skill to do so, and am the credible expert with the capability who got the role – wobble well and truly over. I’m in this role because I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone and because I want to see what I’m really capable of. So very few people do this today – they are so happy and content to stay in their comfort zones because it is cosy and safe. Not me. I don’t want a comfort zone at all – I want the hurt locker. I want to push myself – where is my limit? I don’t know but I want to find out. The hurt locker is the place where I truly excel – when I am finding things tough, when things are starting to overwhelm me, when I should probably throw the towel in and give up – that is when I dig deep and find that little bit more inside myself to carry and push even harder. I have many motivators that allow me to dig deep into my hurt locker. Past experiences that have placed me in tough or difficult circumstances and I’ve had to dig deep to get through them – I look back on those and think I got through that time or that situation so why not now. I look at those who doubted me or hurt me in the past – I look at the hurt they caused and yeah it was tough at the time and it may have knocked me down but it certainly didn’t knock me out. I look deep into my hurt locker and say to myself I’m better than you and I always will be. That hurt gave me strength and purpose and allowed me to push on more and further – those that hurt me are no longer in my life as I’ve left them way behind in so many aspects. My motivators allow me to say to myself what if I give that little bit more? What could I achieve if I pushed that little bit harder? What am I capable of if I look inside the hurt locker and dig deep? I was speaking to a colleague in work who I hadn’t seen for a while and she made an interesting comment (based around my relationships and how they have failed) and said I seemed to be a “real sh*t magnet”. To an extent I agreed. Then I thought about this in the greater context – yeah I’ve had some really horrible things happen in my life, I’ve experienced things that are not great, sometimes I’ve felt that I’ve suffered the consequences harder than I should have, and I’ve gone through some really tough situations as well. But that is life – one thing life is not – a fairy-tale. So maybe it isn’t just with relationships I seem to be a sh*t magnet but also in life at times – but that is life. Had I not gone through all those things I would not be the person I am today – someone who is determined, driven, dedicated, who won’t stay down when knocked down.
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This week marks the end of an era in work as I leave one role and begin another – I’ve been delivering induction courses in work since 2014 and in my new role will no longer be doing this. It is going to be strange because of a lot of colleagues (many of whom I’ve trained) know me as the person who does the induction course. On Wednesday I finished my last ever induction course and as I reflected on how the course had gone I had a sense that I had drawn a line under that part of my career – no looking back, no going back. My new role is going to challenge me and really put my skills and knowledge to the test – that is good. It is going to take me out of my comfort zone – that is good. It is going to push me – that is good. I’ve been given two projects to get on with straight away and I’m determined to set a high benchmark for myself straight away – I’ll look at it and think what would make it better and then look at it again and think what will make it much better – that marginal gain element. I knew 2019 was the year I needed to push myself, challenge myself, and really get out of my comfort zone. I’ve always felt the need to challenge myself and push myself. I’ve never been one to sit back and accept it for how it is. I’ve always asked the questions around what are my limits, what am I really capable of if I try that little bit harder. Some people look at me and probably think I’m not very ambitious or driven. The thing is I’m never one to shout out about that (I shout at myself inwards about it). In my down time, such as having a few beers with friends for example, I’d rather have a good laugh than be serious all the time – that is why I see it as my down time. This is the time when I blow off a bit of steam but it doesn’t mean I’m not ambitious or driven anymore. So today is St Valentine’s Day – not that it means a great deal to me. I actually think it is a manufactured load of rubbish. But hey I’m single so why would I care anyway!!! Single through choice. I’m alone but I don’t feel lonely. Over the last week I’ve thought about what being single actually means to me. I set my own agenda and it isn’t based upon what someone else thinks or what they expect from me. I’m not confined or pressurised into the expectations of someone else – I’m not being viewed or judged on what I should be or what I should be saying or asking. I don’t get let down and if I do it is only by myself and I learn from that and I build upwards from that. I’ve been in relationships where on the one hand the other person has said I don’t need to change anything and on the other tries to change things about me. What is that all about!!!! If you feel the need to change that person should you even be with them in the first place – the answer to that has to be a big fat NO. If you are happy in yourself why change for someone – that change is obviously based upon their own insecurities and issues and probably means they have a fear of changing themselves so it is easier to give someone else the hard time and get them to change you instead. Leave them behind and continue being you and being the best you.
I’ve been thinking of what drives me and what makes me determined to complete things over the last couple of days. One of those things is when people doubt me and almost due to their own negative outlook want to tar me with this and say, ‘you can’t do that’ or ‘you won’t do that’. Big mistake really as I’ve been told that so many times in my life that now I just find it hilarious – it is like a gauntlet has been thrown down at my feet and I can’t resist picking it up straight away to prove that person so wrong. Years ago I was looking at entering a triathlon – it was a sport that had always fascinated me and there wasn’t a great deal of information out there about the sport (we are talking back in the dark ages when the internet didn’t exist and it was a very, very grassroots sport in the UK at the time) and I told someone about this and they told me – ‘you won’t do that, way too difficult, you won’t even get to the start line let alone finish’. I was not impressed. I finished that race (it was only a short sprint distance race) and went on to finish many more over the years – multiple half ironman distance races, 4 ironman distance races, 9 marathons, and raced for Great Britain in my age group in a European Long-Distance Championships – all the time I remembered that person who had said to me ‘you won’t’. In work about 5 years ago I applied for a different role, got to interview and felt it was an ok interview and I had given some good examples of the work I had done and was capable of. I wasn’t successful and one of the reasons given was I hadn’t evidenced enough managerial ability when I felt I had. I eventually moved roles and was determined to prove that manager wrong – I worked hard as a manager and then started delivering a managerial and leadership course where the manager actually got their staff to attend the course as it would be good for their development and it was felt they needed to become better managers – Oh! The irony!!!! Now I’m about to move into a role to design and develop managerial and leadership courses! The one thing I have always been is driven and determined. I may go through spells in my life where my mental health is low and I feel depressed, I may feel like life has knocked me down but it has never knocked me out and I have always got up and always dug in deep and gone on to better things. 47 years undefeated. I have a tendency to look at myself and say this is just not working or this is not good enough and ask myself what is ‘much better’ – they are not pipe dreams and fanciful ideas but things I know I can achieve. At times I am brutally hard on myself because I know what I am capable of if I am driven and determined to do so. When people say to things like ‘I’m going to be honest and you may not like what is said’ is so weak to me as I have probably done that tenfold at every minor detail myself as I look towards ‘much better’. So last year when I hit a real low and was knocked down again that drive and determination was there once more. Yet again I have proved to those who doubt that I am still undefeated, I am stronger, I am harder, and I still possess that drive and determination.
When I woke up on New Year’s Day I made a promise to myself that I would make 2019 a year to remember (and for good reasons) and hit the ground running. I had a call yesterday offering the role that I interviewed for – to say I’m delighted is a bit of an understatement. The role sounds a lot better than I originally anticipated with a lot of opportunity for development and allowing for creativity with learning design. That is something my current role doesn’t really offer so as you can probably imagine I’m absolutely chomping at the bit to get started. It is going to be a lot of hard work but I’m relishing that. I have a real passion and enthusiasm for developing people so they reach their full potential and beyond so this is going to be a brilliant role for me. I’ve also been out on a couple of dates with someone and that has gone really well – we both have a passion for running and cycling which is fantastic. The training is still going well (though I did miss my run yesterday due to heading to the pub to celebrate getting the new job) and the runs are getting longer each week now. I enjoy the long runs as they allow me to switch off and I’m just focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Although I feel that 2019 has got off to a good start there is still room for improvement and I also need to be mindful that there are still going to be some tough challenges and situations. I need to be careful that I have the resilience to cope with those dips and also to foresee them if I can. There is still a long way to go on this journey and although I’ve made a good start to the year much of the hard graft is still in front of me and there are going to be times when I really need to dig deep and persevere in order to achieve better things. I know from past experiences I have the capability to do this.
10 days into 2019 and I already feel like I have achieved a few things already which is good. I haven’t really pushed that hard but instead have taken a more concentrated approach. It is going to be the next week that could define how the year may take shape – I say could because it may not but there is a very good chance it could. I have a job interview tomorrow and have spent the last week preparing for that – I don’t think I have prepared so much for an interview ever. Rather than just walking in and hoping to answer the questions to the best of my ability (which I have done in the past and have always walked out reflecting on what I could have said rather than what I did say – though I guess everyone does this) I have made notes to take in with me so I have those excellent examples I can put across. Looking at the role description I certainly have the ability to do the role and do it well but putting that across in interview is totally different and I do have a tendency of not selling myself fully in interviews. Actually, I do it quite a lot in my life and have never been one to really shout from the roof-tops about my achievements and successes. I much prefer to get stuff done and let actions speak louder than words a lot of the time. My life away from work and training is improving and on the up. I’ve been getting a bit more varied in the kitchen with what I’m cooking as well instead of the usual pasta dishes every day. Training has been going well since the start of the year and I’ve not missed one session and also completed my longest run since I started training for the ultra. The longest run went really well and I had no issues covering the distance or the time (despite having missed a few sessions over the Christmas period) and actually found my next run (which was much shorter in distance and time) much more of a slog (or it certainly felt like it was)!!! Even though the weather has been favourable in terms of being dry it has become colder but this hasn’t stopped me getting out training at all – if anything I’ve enjoyed it. It has felt a really good to start the year and I'm focused and determined. I hope that I can carry this good momentum on for the rest of the year.
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AuthorRichard Guy, 47 years of age, born and grew up in London and have lived in Portsmouth since 2017. Archives
August 2021
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