I actually feel like I am going crazy. Like I'm stuck in some sort of weird Sci Fi movie where my only contact with the outside world is through electronic means. Oh, wait it is!
I've been keeping myself busy with work and my fb page and group, although I feel I am slipping further and further away from reality. I also feel like a huge fraud pretending to be happy and funny when in truth I feel dead inside. I've no passion or excitement about anything.
I'm working from home again and whilst I loved it March through to September I am finding it a bore now. I love to talk to people, but nobody has anything to say unless it is around COVID-19 or the dullness of the weather and my patience has worn thin with discussing that. I struggle with my confidence and being an enforced recluse is causing me concern for the future and if I will struggle to engage with people when this is over.
I'm not going to complain about all the materialistic or fun things everyone is missing out on, I can cope with that. What I am missing is proper conversation. The intelligent debate or banter. Me having an opinion and someone getting me to look at an alternative view. Someone to bounce ideas off. Without this I find I have too much time to think and that is when I struggle.
As I said in my last post I don't want to think about how I'm feeling I need to keep that locked up at the moment. If I do, I worry about where it may lead me.
I need to keep my brain active to stop me having those dark thoughts and falling backwards. I haven't watched TV in weeks as it's something I have never really enjoyed doing alone. That may sound strange to some. I'm struggling to read a book as my concentration seems to have disappeared, so consequently spending more and more time in front of the PC exchanging messages and comments with complete strangers. It's a quick hit to break the monotony and is all well and good, but I know it is not reality. Yesterday I switched my phone and PC off, determined to do something different. I cleaned my house then resorted to my bed at 3 in the afternoon feeling extremely low. I actually had a thought pop into my head, that if I slept long enough I'd wake up and this would all be over or again just not wake up. I know that is an incredibly selfish thought.
My sleep pattern is erratic. Going to bed at 2am waking at 5am. Working for a bit, taking a nap. I've lost my appetite and apart from cooking for my son I really can not be bothered to eat myself. I feel exhausted through doing nothing physical, and I am finding this cycle hard to break.
Like a lot of people I have not seen my parents or daughter for a while and for some strange reason when they call I sometimes find myself letting it go to voicemail. I then feel guilty as I miss them. I'm ignoring messages from friends, which is not at all like me and I feel I can't be bothered and again I feel bad.
I keep telling myself that this is not forever, but I fear the damage it is causing maybe. There's the saying "The devil finds work for idle hands" for me it's my brain.