23 November 2015
All of us will experience bullying at some time in our life. Usually, for most of us, it happens when we are young. When you mention the bully word, School immediately comes to mind and for most of us, that is the time we experience our only recollection of such traumatic abuse; that is what the statistics say. For me however I believe that bullying is rife throughout our entire life, only most of us, don't see it as bullying, or really do not understand the concept completely.
From my recent experience with bullying, I have concluded that everyone of us is at risk, but certain individuals remain exposed more than others, Lets take my example. I have Bipolar and at various different points, I am more vulnerable than I otherwise would be. I am also an empath.
10 Signs You Are an Empath
1) You feel uncomfortable in crowded settings
2) You have random unfounded mood swings
3) You burst into tears during emotionally charged movie scenes (even Disney)
4) You are able to gauge if what someone is telling you is sincere
5) You can read the emotional state of others beyond what they are revealing
6) You experience a visceral reaction to loaded words such as “hate”
7) You enjoy being out in nature, in or near water more than the company of
8) You are naturally inclined to alleviate the pain of others (physical or emotional)
9) You have a history of co-dependent relationships that likely weren’t healthy
10) Your energy frequently feels depleted after listening to the personal woes of
People like me are easy targets of bullies and worse. Sadly they fool me every time and I have fallen victim many times. I suppose from my point of view, I just want to see the good in people. For a while even a bully can be plausible and that is the issue here.
being ill for eight months has allowed me to study and read in depth the psychology behind those that seek to cause harm to others. It was the most emotional period of my life. I learned some of the most disturbing aspects of people, that I have ever read. This is the time you start to see patterns in your own life. I spoke to bullying helplines and forums and sadly began to piece together a story, that although hard to do, gave me answers to the reasons why I am where I am today. When you have that sudden realisation, you at first, reject what is as plain as day. Not believing the truth is easier, but with help of others, you gradually come to terms with the facts.
The things I know now, will remain with me forever. I can never forget what has happened in my life. I still have nightmares, about what has transpired. I was told, I always will have these dreams, but they do become easier with time. Manipulation also played its part in recent times. Sadly, I have only just learned the truth where others are concerned. Sometimes even you do not want to accept the reality, because that changes your World, as it has mine!
When you spend nearly a year, living each day, wondering why, when you reflect constantly, relive nightmares and forever endure awful memories, it will have an impact on you as a person. In my head there are words that I would rather forget, but in truth, they remain there for a reason, to make me remember and avoid this happening ever again.
I could almost give talks on the 'Bully'. When I became a trained Mentor and Advocate for Action For Children, I learned some deeply disturbing aspects of life also, coupled with what happened to us, I have once again become aware of the harm others caused. That got lost in recent times.
The new me, like the old me, would never work with a bully again. As a person I would never feel safe. My life, the love I have and the happiness I so crave does not exist surrounded by the worst people in society. I have become more emotionless, rejected people without bothering to get to know them and had to become more immune to distasteful influences, as hard as it is. I am less forgiving, more distrusting, but a lot more ready to stand up to the lowest of lives.
Me, my partner and my friends are the only important factors in my life now. I will do whatever it takes to protect us. Good people safeguard others, bad people disregard everyone. Stand up and be counted!
Reflections - 6 November 2017
Whilst reading back over this entry I am firstly struck by just how bad the grammar is. At the time I wrote Forever Enduring Cycles, I was in a terrible state mentally. I wrote words down without a second thought; often sentences made no sense at all! I understand what I was trying to convey in this entry, even if it didn't make sense at a time. My writing does reflect different periods of my life; November 2015 was a particularly challenging time.
I had suffered at the hands of a sociopath, probably more than one; this entry was about understanding that abuse, looking for answers and coming to terms with the truth. Bullying had a deeply, long lasting significance on my life then, as it does now; the one big difference is the way I cope today compared to then; I am a lot stronger, having lived through traumatic times. I know what occurred and what to expect in the future, should it happen again!
Forever Enduring Cycles was really about recovery from terrible times; a journey of self discovery and acceptance. This was the beginning of a campaign to put right the wrongdoings of those who caused so much harm. Today I still write about my experiences, reliving the final few years before leaving the UK. Reassessing and rereading older blog entries, is a great way of understanding what happened.
Thankfully my life has moved on dramatically. I am happier now, more than I have been in years. The only reason I am reading over old words, is because I am able, that's remarkable in itself!
46 year old Expat, writer and columnist, living and working in Gran Alacant on the Costa Blanca.