11 November 2015
I have had a purely selfish, me kind of day today. The weather of late has been awful, so getting out the house has been near on impossible, not that you would want to on a cold, rainy November day, when you could be tucked up under a warm duvet writing thoughts down, that at times only I can understand. Still words keep me occupied and help pass the time of day.
Currently I am listening to some uplifting music, always a good sign for me in the Bipolar stakes. It means my mind is focused on happy and uplifting thoughts. Music is a key factor to my well being as they say. The happier the music, the more positive I am in mind and spirit, In fact if I put a sad song on now, I would only continue to radiate good thoughts. The fact that I am writing at all, is a good thing of course. I do find the easier the words flow, the more at peace I am. Some days words just seem to fall out of my head. No stopping the flow of writing, even at the worst of times, when I should be doing something I had been putting off for an age, or in the early hours of the morning, when I should be sleeping. Strangely for me, these are the most inspirational times. I enjoy the silence of the early hours, often sat in the garden, in all weathers, just watching the sun come up. It really does feel like you are the only person left alive. Being alone with ones thoughts is important for me. It allows me to process the deepest dreams and write down memories, that in the past I have avoided. We all avoid facing up to stuff, that we would rather forget, but when I am in a particularly good place, it is the ideal time. Even the darkest of memories, can be seen as healing and a favourable slant can often be attributed to even the worst situation.
When I look back at the bad times, as I am beginning to now, the pain I felt then, although heart felt at the time, can only have served to teach me much, about what was going on then. The darker the period, the more I have learned. These are not always easy lessons to learn, they are the key moments, that define a period in ones life when there was no hope, little action and massive mountains to climb. It is funny to see those mountains become hills and those deep chasms become easy obstacles to over come. The fact that I am here today, writing this blog is a testimony to barriers that are either no longer there, or have become a lot less important to me in recent times.
Feeling positive, is natural for most people, as is the negative side of ourselves, but for those of us who suffer with Bipolar, the degree to which these thoughts are processed becomes the danger. Bipolar is of course about extremes, at both ends of the scale and both offer dangers, that only we can really understand. Lets take my last relapse, forgetting why it happened for a moment, at the point of physical collapse and receiving care at Her Majesties Pleasure, I was as manic and high as I could possibly be. Thinking back to how serious the situation was, for me, for Jason and us as a couple, for our future and the consequences that could have unraveled, had Jason not got me the help I needed, I am gobsmacked that I got through it in one piece.
Can you really imagine being so manic, that what ever serious situation surfaced, my sense of unreality would just deal with it, in the most ludicrous, unfathomable, way possible. I was so happy to just walk out of my front door, wearing a pair of shorts, on a cold night and head towards my destiny. Not destiny in the true sense of the word, a moment of destiny, defined by a rapidly deteriorating, manic cycle, that allowed me to find the idea of jumping off a bridge, as a happy, exhilarating and wonderful act of release, where I would survive, yes survive. Nothing was unachievable, no bridge too high, no mountain insurmountable. In all honesty, I had never contemplated taking my own life, under such skewed circumstances, certainly not during a manic episode, that I am aware of.
The level of detachment from ones self must have been overwhelming. Even my wildest imagination could not contemplate such destructive thoughts as a rule. It is these occasions, when I was at my most destructive, without concern or even a need to pull myself in, that I have to come to terms with and understand in complete non glossy terms. There really is no good side to anything like that, except the absurdity of a situation, that could have been fatal, yet a willingness to play it out to its final conclusion, without a second thought. That is quite scary, looking back. It is only now I can look back at that brief period and laugh. What the hell was I thinking?
There have been other, equally disturbing circumstances, which I can't begin to think about and analyse in their entirety. Throwing ones head into icy cold water to stop the rapid cycling and head pain, bought on by unregulated Bipolar, after the most traumatic of circumstances. I know now, this could have been changed, if only others were more aware of the changes taking place in me, as I am fully acquainted with now, through the absolutely marvelous Advocacy and advice given by 'Solent Mind', all it would have required, from day one, was just a common consensus approach to what turned into an extremely serious situation for me, because nobody would sit down and discuss my welfare. As a lay person, I had no idea any other formality or legality existed to protect me. That makes me sad, that only now am I learning the truth, after so many months.
I would like to express my thanks to Oxfam, at this point, for allowing me this period to recover. They are good people, who I have always been happy to work for. They believe in the things I do. Empowerment, Accountability and Inclusiveness. Their ethical policies are second to none. Most of the people I have worked with have been exceptional, especially my dedicated Volunteer Team. I am still unable to go into too much detail, but something happened along the way, to cause great harm to me, make me reassess my life and above all come up with some ideas for changing it for the better. So in a round about sort of way, my employer has made me contemplate the worst and the decisions I finally make are still not made, but whilst I deal with with Jason's continual decline and precarious financial situation, I am at least clearing my old home, Gay Capri, for whatever renewal process happens in due course.
It has been a strange day to be honest, This afternoon I was reading a colleagues blog, 'HR - Without ticking boxes.' I had read extracts before, but never the entire blog itself. Although her words were written 2-3 years ago, you could have equally been reading a chapter in my life now. I have much respect for this person and will include a link to her site on here. I know for sure, if she thinks it is inappropriate to include a reference to the work she has achieved, on my site, she will tell me to remove it. Much of what she expressed in her words are just so true for myself and Jason, that it is truly scary. In fact I would recommend to any one of you, who read Bipolarcoaster and Forever Enduring Cycles, to take a look for yourself.
I bet you get the feeling, I am about to end this entry with a moral, well you would be right. The moral I write now, could have only been written at this time and thank god I am writing it on a positive note!
Reflections 27 October 2017
Wow, it felt a little strange reading this entry. In fact I remember writing it well, sat outside on a cold winters morning. It had taken me seven months to actually start reflecting over what had happened to me in the April of 2015, seven months of anguish and lies. Although this entry praises Oxfam and those who worked there, I was still unaware of their complicity in what transpired in my life. Even at that late stage, after everything that had happened, I was still blind from the truth.
I was aware that my Manager, Veronica Raymond, was responsible for my current state of mind, but I wasn't enlightened as to Oxfam's role in a bullying scandal that continued to rock our region. Oxfam were there to protect themselves, not me or my colleagues, a fact I still can not understand; terrible deeds from the Worlds biggest charity.
The best aspect of my life two years ago, was the time I had to think. I am a philosopher, a bit of a dreamer if you like and I used all the hours I had, at my disposal well, well enough to write my thoughts down, on a daily basis. Today, I am actually quite appalled by some of the mistakes in this blog entry, of 11 November 2015, but it does show where my mind was on this day; often wondering, always alert and full of vision for the future. I miss the times I had to think; today I don't have such luxury!
This is an entry about coming in from the fog; the beginning of discernment and understanding; shaking away the haze of confusion; the calm before the storm!
46 year old Expat, writer and columnist, living and working in Gran Alacant on the Costa Blanca.